There’s Nothing To Do In Roanoke!

There’s Nothing To Do In Roanoke!

We often hear about how there isn’t anything do to in Roanoke. We hate to argue so instead of doing so here are tips on how to avoid doing anything in Roanoke.

  1. Cover Your Eyes!- You don’t want to accidentally see all of the art shows, homemade crafts, beautiful views, locally owned shops, galleries and murals . Since driving with your eyes covered or closed is dangerous we recommend a designated driver who must sign a legal document agreeing
  2. Stop Up Your Ears!- Who wants to hear music , singing or poetry anyway? Make sure to avoid all the local bars, clubs, restaurants, civic centers, The Market Building, events and farmers markets. There are tons of local choirs, musicians and bands that are determined to fill the air with music. Since you may not be able to keep all the noise out with cotton or your fingers we suggest using down pillows and duct tape. If you are allergic to feathers try using couch cushions instead and attach large helium balloons to them to help alieve some of the weight .
  3. Plug Up Your Nose!- How else are you supposed to avoid the delicious aromas coming from the local restaurants? And darn it if there are food trucks stalking you and enticing you with hot dogs, donuts, pot pies and more. Who needs tasty food anyway? Just stick to your cold oatmeal and water. Plus if you  If you are determined to travel outdoors you may also stumble upon the scent of flowers, incense, coffee and chocolate. We suggest purchasing your own personal bubble. That way you be in the world but not be forced to experience it.
  4. Shut Your Mouth!- This one may not be so necessary as long as you follow all of the previous steps to the letter. If your eyes are covered correctly you won’t accidently gasp, smile or sigh when you see something that makes you have feelings. If your ears are plugged you won’t slip up and be inspired by a local poet or be horrified to find yourself singing along to a song you like. If your nostrils are clenched tight like a vice then you won’t be drawn towards delicious coffee, pastries, steak or any other pesky treat that will distract you from your cold lumpy oatmeal. This is another instance where duct tape can come in handy.
  5. Don’t Move!- To help avoid all of these things we suggest hiding under your bed, under a blanket with nothing but a radio turned full volume to static. Be careful not to turn to any of the great local radio stations on accident or you might hear an advertisement for an event, restaurant or shopping opportunity. And that would ruin everything!

If you go to you will find that Roanoke has won all sorts of awards ranging from one of the 10 best places to raise a family in the United States by Parenting Magazine to ranking it as one of the 100 best places for businesses and careers.

  • “Top Mid-Sized Town” by Blue Ridge Outdoors Magazine | 2015
  • Salem named one of the “20 Best Places in Virginia to Start a Business” by NerdWallet | 2015
  • Smith Mountain Lake named the “Best Lake in Virginia” by MSN Travel | 2015
  • Town of Floyd voted by USA Today Travel 10Best as one of the “Best Southern Small Towns” | 2015
  • “10 Great Southern Downtowns” by Southern Business & Development | 2015
  • Roanoke – “North America’s Best Paddling Towns” by Canoe & Kayak Magazine | 2015
  • Named one of “The 10 Best U.S. Destinations for a Weekend Mountain Bike Getaway” by Singletracks | 2015
  • Roanoke – “Best Retirement Town” – Platinum by Best of the Blue Ridge Parkway Readers Poll | 2015

You can almost say “Roanoke Doesn’t Suck” was started on accident. A little more than five years ago I had a day off from work and decided to do something I’ve never done before and go for a walk downtown.

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